john william eats faces

2008-02-26T15:08:00.002-05:00

I don't update my personal blog on here anymore. If you want to read more of my personal blog, click here

2006-08-29T23:23:00.000-04:00

the nukes can't come fast enough

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2006/08/27/MNGL2KQ8H41.DTL

America has pretty much gone to hell at this point. Up is down. Down is right. And right is purple polkadots. There's no saving us. Idiocy is consuming us faster than I ever thought possible. We've long been a sickeningly ignorant people, but now we've transmogrified into evolved meatbags who worship at the altar of enlightened douchebaggery.

Can't we just vote to emancipate the entire bay area? Let them have their little common sense-free utopia where a kid's genitalia has no bearing on determining his sex. I don't doubt that there happens to be the occasional person who suffers from genuine gender identity issues, but to encourage it--I just don't know, it's like our heads are so far up our own asses I can only hope that we suffocate in the near future.

2006-08-17T00:38:00.000-04:00

kitty does dallas

gettin' ready to go to the vet

2006-08-16T10:31:00.000-04:00

kitty porn

check out this handsome bloke I found hiding under my deck

2006-08-15T12:25:00.000-04:00

white people

America is a great place, made up of all kind of peoples. No one is better than anyone else, but we're all different. And in theses differences, there is great potential for hilarity!!!!!

Like, when a brother drinks a glass of water, he, you know, raises it to his lips, does it really cool and, like, raps and stuff. When a white guy drinks a glass of water he's all like, "oh, doo doo doo, I'm such a nerd. A nerd drinking water."

When a black man is watching something funny on TV, he's like "Hahahahahahaha. DAMN! That shit is funny, dawg!" and he's all smooth while he's doing it because black people just have a natural sense of rhythm, unlike whites who can't dance because they're genetically inferior in that way. When white people watch something funny they're like, "Oh, tee hee. That is very humourous. I'm a huge nerd!"

When a black dude farts he's like, "Damn, nigga. I farted!" But he's really cool when he does it. When a white dude farts he's like, "Uh oh, how many D20s do I roll to determine damage and duration?"

When a black man eats a sandwich he's like, "Damn. I'm really cool and I'm eatin' a sandwich!" A white guy is all like, "Uh oh, is there cheese on this? I'm lactose intolerant! Is this kosher? Ugh! I need multi-grain bread cuz I'm such a nerd!"

My comedy album will be in stores next month.

2006-08-14T13:05:00.000-04:00

like, wow, dude

Pot heads just might be the most annoying people on the face of the planet. At least the most boring. Recently, I was at a friend's house, a pot head, when another friend of his--and I'm convinced the extent of their friendship is to match each other with marijuana--came over. My friend and I were playing Street Fighter when the other guy started relaying an anecdote about a run in with the cops, one in which I believed he had made mention of running from the cops.

Apparently he and a companion were walking down a street in Prospect--the most dangerous of hoods, truly--when a policeman, a black policeman(don't ask me why it's pertinent)asked him if they lived "around here."

He then proceeded to elaborate no further.

"So you started running because he asked if you lived around there?"

"No. We didn't run."

"I thought you said you ran"

"No."

"So, the story is, you were walking down a street, and a black cop asked you a question and then left you alone?"

"Yeah."

"Wow. That's a great story..."

2006-08-11T00:21:00.000-04:00

Chaotic Good Elf Barbarian

So, to really explore just how bored I am at the moment, I googled "which D&D character are you?". My first test said I was a lawful good half-orc fighter paladin. I disagree with lawful good, cuz I hates the government, man. Always fucking my shit up. Half orc doesn't work because they're ugly and even the blind can see my handsomeness from miles away. Lastly, paladins are total gay alter bois all grown up in a suit of armor. Since the first result was soooooooooooooooooooo homosexual, I took the next quiz. This one informed me of my station as a chaotic good elf barbarian.

This one is pretty good. Chaotic good denotes a good person that doesn't stand for pointless bureaucratic bull doo doo. Elves are attractive and cerebrally inclined.. Though, I'm not quite sure I'm such a barbarian. I mean. I do hit women over the head as a part of foreplay, and I do enjoy killing people who look at me funny. And I am currently questing to kill James Earl Jones for killing my ma and pa cuz they figured out steel. But really, I'm more of a Bard or a Ranger.

I took a third test and it confirmed my position as a bard, with a way rad drawing:

2006-06-04T18:15:00.000-04:00

with the force of a thousand million blows

Things I thought about today when I was outside:

1) People give their kids stupid names these days. I saw a birth announcement in someone's front yard and they had named their new daughter McKinley. It seems obvious to me that parents aren't as concerned that their child receives special attention for a unique name as much as the parents want to be congratulated for being "unique" themselves. Another popular trend these days is to name kids after some obscure poet or painter or somesuch. Though it's less annoying than naming your baby girl Nevaeh ("heaven" backwards, which I guess makes it evil like an upside down cross) because the guy with dirty hair from Counting Crows did the same, it's still a lame attempt at getting others to notice how smart/informed/cool/enlightened/whatever you are. I like family names, myself. I'm named after a crazy baptist preacher from the georgia mountains who believed that Cain receiving the mark on his face was the advent of black people. That means a lot more to me than some dude who painted women with ferns in place of heads. Though I never knew the guy, he had a lot more to do with who I am than I could ever be cognisant of.

However, in contrast to the above, if I actually have kids one day they will be named Jack Bauer, Vic Mackey, Admiral Adama, Al Swearengen, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

2)Mexicans listen to God awful music. This excludes, of course, Mexicans in California who like Morrissey. I'm not one of those people who thinks all cultures are equal. Some cultures exceed in one area while performing miserabley in another. Cultures can be superior and inferior to others in different areas. Different isn't equal. France has turned out better artist's over the years than England. England, on the other hand, actually knows how to win a war. (Technically, France did win their revolutionary war but that was because their opponent was the french) China has, for thousands of years, been the at the forefront of debasing any concept of individual human worth. Japan makes better tentacle rape monsters than anyone. America is awesome at being overweight. Canada, well, I have no idea what they do besides lie awake in fear at night that an American might be making fun of them.

Mexicans, despite having invented the best, most delicious "cheap" food on the planet, have no idea what to do with musical instruments. I can understand if you're some lowly slave in Juarez; you probably just don't get much of a chance to hear anything good, and if the choice were between hokey mexican country music and whatever MTV is trying to sell, I'd go with the hokey crap. But guys, you live in America, where the best popular music in the world is made. I know Louisville has the worst music stations of any city, but there is the internet. Or stop and ask me what you should be listeing to. Just stop it with the percussive base and the accordion and please quit trying to fuse it with american music. Rapping and accordions should never be one. Ever.

I am a big fan, however, of mexicans' penchant for objectifying women any chance they get. (Half time at the soccer match? Let's cut to the studio where the commentators are surrounded by hot dancing girls in bathing suits.) This almost makes up for their musical crimes.

2006-05-16T12:55:00.000-04:00

Matlock a.k.a. der Übermensch
I proclaim that Matlock could whoop anybody.

Matlock vs. Jack Bauer
Matlock pins the murder of the beautiful starlet on Bauer, dooming him to life in prison, where every 24 hours he has to stop a mad plot by his bunk mate Bernice to forcibly take Jack's anal cherry.

Matlock vs Wolverine
Matlock eats wolverine's skin, leaving his T-800-esque carcass for fanboys to hump relentlessly

Matlock vs. Adama
Adama comes on strong with hairy nipple attack but Matlock counters by making adama admit that his once great show really really really sucks now.

Matlock vs Chuck Norris
Sorry, unlike some aging tv stars, matlock does his own stunts.

Matlock vs john william
yeah right, as if that would ever happen (hint: it would be a tie)

2006-05-10T11:20:00.000-04:00

You don't know what words mean, do you?

For those of you keeping score I finally went to the doctor on monday so I've been on anti-biotics for three days now and I'm just starting to feel a little better than worthless. Though, running through the set twice yesterday did pretty much destroy me for the rest of the day.

The good news: I've started tivo-ing Matlock and it still utterly dominates my attention span. (It's still not on DVD. That's a double what-the-fuck) I still have the uncanny ability to spot the murderer on pure intuition. (Yes, Jospeh, it was the nerdy guy with the glasses. I'm never wrong) One thing does annoy me. When Matlock starts doing his thing in the courtroom where he questions a witness on some other, seemingly unrelated subject, the prosecuter always objects, citing some bullshit about proper courtroom procedure. Haven't they tried enough cases against Matlock to know that he's about to unveil the real killer? Dumbass. LET THE MAN DO HIS THING.

DON'T FUCK WITH MATLOCK.

Matlock is my new dad.

For those keeping score, ugly Tyler totally destroys handsome Tyler.

2006-05-04T15:37:00.000-04:00

the worst kind of discrimination; the kind against me

I almost got a new puppy today. I had built up good karma by picking up TWO worms from the concrete and placing them back in the grass. Then I saw a puppy playing in an office park flower bed right next to a busy street. She was really sweet and amazingly my horrible dog let her approach. I checked her for a tag but all she had was a collar with a long rope attached. I grabbed her rope and started walking her down the street looking for anybody.

After I had thought about making signs for a "found puppy" I started getting evil thoughts that maybe she was abandoned and was fated to be mine. And then some stupid broad comes running up from a side street, a mess and bewildered. I called out to her, and she ran straight to me. She said something about the yard rope breaking and went on her way. She at least could have given me thank-you-for-saving-my-puppy-from-getting-run-over sex.

People are so unappreciative.

2006-04-30T10:58:00.000-04:00

guns don't kill people, john william kills people

So I've quit eating red meat because I'm terrified I'll get an enlarged prostate when I get older and my wang-it is my most prized posession, after all--will quit working and then I'll have to commit suicide. It seems America, where we eat lots of red meat, has a disproportional amount of enlarged prostates and prostate cancer. Whilst other countries, where people eat less red meat, have a much lower rate of prostate problems. Of course, this could be correlational, not causal, but I'm not one to risk my awesome boy parts needlessly.

This is in addition to my near-neurosis level fear of going bald, despite the fact that I've not actually shown any signs of losing my hair. This is an especially annoying torment for a multitude of reasons. First of all, my terror is soley the product of countless "baldness cure" commercials. My particular favorite states, "by the time you notice you're losing your hair you've already lost 20%". Fuck you, you assholes. Now I'm always checking to make sure I'm not in that 20% zone.

Secondly, even if I were going bald, it's not like there is anything I could possibly do about it. So why I let it worry me is beyond my comprehension.

Thirdly, I worry that I might facilitate the baldness because I'm so worried about going bald. I don't know if it's really true that stress can make your hair fall out, but it probably does and I'm doomed to a life of egg shell-itude and goofy combovers because I worry about going bald.

2006-04-30T10:57:00.000-04:00

Are You A Bad Enough Dude To Save The President?

I think the aforementioned is the preeminent question for any man living in our modern world. Men are quickly becoming an endangered species. We're constantly berated by the Lorena Bobbitts of institutionalized feminism. Men who cry at things that aren't funeral or weddings are celebrated. They even tried to make us wear body spray. We're no longer capable of defeating the Dragon Ninja and rescuing President Ronnie.

So, boys, the next time you're getting your nails done or getting your bikini waxed or getting together with your five female friends (who won't fuck you) to watch a Sex and the City marathon, ask yourself this:

Am I a bad enough dude to save the president?

2006-04-22T16:06:00.000-04:00

I killed myself yet again last night

My Nan beat me in upwords last night. This will not stand. She will pay. Dearly. There will be no mercy. I'm going to go to walmart right now and pick up the scrabble dictionary and memorize every bullshit two and three letter word that people only know because of word games.

You are so going down Nan.

2006-04-21T10:00:00.000-04:00

Anal Fisting: The New Extreme Sport?

Stupid Crap I Saw Last Night At An Art Show:

A photographer's portfolio that consisted entirely of shots of her son. And they weren't even very good. About high school quality. Accompanied with it was her artist's statement withsuch choice nuggets of wisdom like how we can learn things from children and how we need to protect them because one day they will take our place and they are, indeed, the future.

Puff the magic dragon caliber drawings of a stupid dragon flying over the ocean. I like fantasy art, but it has to at least be a little aesthetically pleasing. I guess I should commend her for not being a total nerd and drawing unicorns all of the time...

A "sculpture" of stacked starbucks cups formed into a throne or possibley a commode. The art world was shaken to its very foundations with this work of whithering insight into the shallow lives of coffee cups.

Stupid Things I Saw At the Grocery Afterward:

Frozen dog treats. Seriously.

2006-04-20T13:27:00.000-04:00

Why come no one ever wonders when we'll have an asian president?

Some dumb old broad told me, presumably because I had a pair of aviators on, that I looked like Ace from American Idol. I have no idea who he is or what he does but I punched her in the face immediately, took her money, and asked, "Does THIS look like Ace from American Idol? BITCH!!!!!"

And that old broad grew up to be the first female to successfully projectile ejaculate from one wing of the White House to the other. Someone find me the vid!!!

2006-04-19T11:28:00.000-04:00

I love my dead, gay son

The eighties were a peculiar time. Jocks were uber-jocks. Nerds were uber-nerds. And attractive women did their best to appear the opposite of cute with their arsenal of shoulder pads and hairspray. I made this observation while watching Heathers, which is probably the single greatest teen movie ever made. Of course, calling it a teen movie is a bit of an insult, as it's far too intelligent, witty, and acerbic to fall into the boundaries of sugary tales about unrequited love, senior year parties, and kids stuck in saturday detention.

I'm not saying there is something wrong with those kinds of movies. I like John Hughes as much as the next boy, but they're bound by audiences' expectations that everything is going to be ok when the screens fades to black. Even when film makers try to emulate the social satire of Heathers, as in Mean Girls, in the end they always surrender to sentimentality. A five minute segment where girls talk about their feelings and how sniping each other is hurtful? I feel puke slowly climbing up my throat just recalling it.

And not that I disliked Mean Girls. It was probably the best teen movie that had been made since Heathers. Of course, that's like saying Helen Hunt is best looking lady in a room full of burn victims, considering the state of the post-80's teen movie. And scratch that, I did enjoy Ten Things I Hate About You, despite its horrible name. (Insert stock joke about the genius of marketing execs)

But a lack of sentimentality isn't what makes Heathers such a great flick. Nor is it neccesarily the hilarious and memorable one-liners or the great cast. It's the incredible insight. Not just into the horrible way humans are nonchalantly cruel to one another. ("I don't have anything against Martha!" protests Veronica as she's ordered to help in a prank against an overweight student. "You don't have anything for her, either!" counters Heather #1) The frightening insight I find so fascinating here is into the mind of up-and-coming-psychotic J.D. who, like the cocksuckers behind Columbine, had a fascination with chaos. A fascination that would drive him to try and murder the entire populace of his whole school.

This movie would never be made in a post-Columbine America, which is unfortunate because it's the exactly the kind that should be.