guns don't kill people, john william kills people

So I've quit eating red meat because I'm terrified I'll get an enlarged prostate when I get older and my wang-it is my most prized posession, after all--will quit working and then I'll have to commit suicide. It seems America, where we eat lots of red meat, has a disproportional amount of enlarged prostates and prostate cancer. Whilst other countries, where people eat less red meat, have a much lower rate of prostate problems. Of course, this could be correlational, not causal, but I'm not one to risk my awesome boy parts needlessly.



This is in addition to my near-neurosis level fear of going bald, despite the fact that I've not actually shown any signs of losing my hair. This is an especially annoying torment for a multitude of reasons. First of all, my terror is soley the product of countless "baldness cure" commercials. My particular favorite states, "by the time you notice you're losing your hair you've already lost 20%". Fuck you, you assholes. Now I'm always checking to make sure I'm not in that 20% zone.



Secondly, even if I were going bald, it's not like there is anything I could possibly do about it. So why I let it worry me is beyond my comprehension.

Thirdly, I worry that I might facilitate the baldness because I'm so worried about going bald. I don't know if it's really true that stress can make your hair fall out, but it probably does and I'm doomed to a life of egg shell-itude and goofy combovers because I worry about going bald.